21 Days to a Happier Family by Justin Coulson

Author:Justin Coulson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2016-01-06T00:00:00+00:00

Asking questions helps our children think through their position. And it helps us understand how much they know and understand, which enables us to fill the gaps in their understanding without giving them long lectures on what they already know. Asking questions engages them far more than our talking. And as they talk, they will do far better at internalising the rules than through listening to our boring lectures.

Gentle reminders

Most of the time our children know the rules, but their impulsiveness, excitement or distractedness gets the better of them and they momentarily forget. When we give our children gentle reminders, we are giving them credit for having a brain. It’s also an invitation to use that brain in a way that requires very little of us.

Giving a gentle reminder is a technique that helps our children do the right thing with minimal fuss or effort, and maximum calm. To do it, call your child by their name. When they show you they are listening, say what you would like them to do in as few words as possible. For example:

‘Caseyany, your ironing.’

‘Josh, the rubbish bins.’

‘Jasmine, soft words, please.’

‘Lachie, your dinner plate.’

Parents regularly tell me that gentle reminders have led to immediate and significant changes in the atmosphere of their homes. Mums and dads stop yelling. Children apologetically jump up and do what they were asked, or find ways to follow their parents’ gentle instructions. Gentle reminders teach children what is expected, and they model kind ways of being assertive and clear in order to get things done.

Take-home message

When we misunderstand what discipline is, we are at risk of disciplining poorly. Effective discipline is centred on finding appropriate, respectful and understanding ways to teach our children good ways to act. When we focus on problem-solving, collaborating, understanding perspectives, helping our children internalise values by thinking for themselves, and supporting autonomy and choice, we achieve far better outcomes for children’s behaviour, and for family happiness and wellbeing.

Happy family focus:

Practise talking, not punishing

When you are faced with a challenge today, move away from punishment and towards talking.

Consider, am I best off using induction or gentle reminders? Should I ask more questions? Is this developmentally appropriate for my child – and even if it is, is it worth a battle now?

Ask yourself if what you are about to do is going to hurt your child or teach your child. It is rare that hurting them teaches them anything worthwhile. Your family will be happier as you focus on teaching and working with them, rather than doing things to them.

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